...Now I will arise. (Psalm 12.5)

We walked the property of HVillage on Thursday evening recently. Bible study at Gloria's had been cancelled. Gloria was not feeling well. I couldn't stay home so I went over to the Village anyway, not really knowing what to do. After walking around the property for a time just kind of talking to the Lord about what I am doing there, and if maybe this time is over, maybe I should move on to the next place...

I called Tracy and she came to meet me there. We walked and talked and prayed over the place. After a time we ran into one of the moms that live there. She was outside with the baby watching her older ones play. She doesn't venture far from her doorstep, neither do her children. She grew up in this place and now she finds herself living there as a mom. She knows what goes on around here and she is careful to watch where her kids are every minute.

We sat and visited for a while and talked. She had lots of questions, but mostly her questions were about God and was He going to forgive her for some things she had done. She especially wanted to know if God could forgive her for having an abortion. It is bothering her greatly.

That was a week ago....this past Friday at our Park gathering for the homeless ones, I met Sue. I've never seen her before. She is a slight woman, short pixie style hair, icy blue eyes, and thin. She had an accident while she was at the park and was mortified. One of the other serving women took her home, let her shower and gave her a change of clothes. Now here she comes, down the food line toward me. As she holds the plate in her hand the tears come. She says she doesn't want to eat...just can't. Kristina lets Sue know its all right, we all understand. Sue just lets the tears fall. Her plate tips. I take it and offer to carry it back to where ever it is she is sitting.
She has picked a table far from everyone else. It is under a tree. As I sat with her and tried to make some sense of her sadness she turned to me and her sorrow turns to torment as she cries out, "Can God forgive me?, Can He really forgive me?"
I told her that He already has but she was in a strange place, not really hearing anything outside her own torment.
"But", she said, "I've done some really, really bad things. Will He forgive me even if I had abortions?" "Yes", I said, "He already has".
"But..."

Her torment penetrated me to the core. I recognized it. Her desperate place scared me, and all I know is if you don't reach past the torment, if you sit in it and don't grab at the anchor of hope someone is holding out to you you drown.
Sue is in a strange place, for soon after this moment passed, she started to talk about getting baptized and as tormented as she was a second ago she was now elated to the sky.

I think that I didn't reach Sue and I struggle to understand what part I play in all this...What am I doing out here where the pain screams at you as you pass by. Out here where insanity is not hidden, and anger sizzles deep within some of these hearts. I do not know what good I do...but lately I get the feeling that I can't be in any other place.
Russ is still an alcoholic who weeps at the mention of the Lord. Russ loves Jesus dearly. But not enough to walk away from his first love. I don't see some folks anymore who used to come regularly.
And it has been hot, summer in the desert is here once again.
B's birth certificate finally came and now he can get some work. We will see.

I am struck by the two women from two different places both crying out about what they've done. Both lost in the maze of guilt and shame and pain. Both reaching toward a God who they really do not think can handle what they have done.
Jesus came for these ones. Jesus is here. They don't see it yet but He is. He is very near. I want to be there when they finally recognize Him and get it, get that He is greater than their greatest sin, that He has a place for them, that they have value.
So, this journey continues...I take steps, one by one, not really knowing where exactly it is I am going. But very aware that I am walking where I should be.
Kingdom stuff...